sunshine after the rain

Welcome to the world.....

2010-10-11T15:27:00.005+10:00

India Jade. Born on the 23rd of September 2010 at 8:54am weighing 7lbs 1oz by c/section.

As she was pulled out of me and her first cries were heard, i cried a thousand tears of relief, of pure happiness and of grief. Words could never explain those first few moments.

We are totally in love with her and only now do i really truly understand the word precious.

We seem to be settling into a nice routine. No issues apart from me having postpartum hypertension (high blood pressure) i am on medication and hope that the problem will resolve itself soon.

xx

The day is fast approaching......

2010-09-04T10:22:00.003+10:00

There is only two weeks and five days left until i will be holding our baby girl safely in my arms. She will be arriving my c/section.

I am scared, excited and still in denial.

I am heavily pregnant but still can't seem to get my head around the fact that i am going to deliver a baby safely into this world.

I daydream constantly about what those first precious moments after she is born are going to be like. I am sure that i will cry millions of tears. Tears of relief, of joy and for Charlie.

I will keep you all updated as the date approaches xoxox

Charlie

2010-07-27T16:15:00.002+10:00

My baby girl it feels like forever since i have said your name on this blog and it makes me feel guilty.
There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of you, just lately it seems to be quietly.
Alot of people expect me to be "moving on" and keep saying im lucky to be having another girl to replace you. This makes me sad.
No one will ever replace you, you are my daughter, my baby, you hold a massive place in my heart. You have forever changed me and made an impact on my life that will be forever deep. I will never move on from you.
I wonder sometimes how i am going to look into your little sisters eyes and not think of you, imagine what you would have looked like. I am scared that i am going to slip up and call her by your name instead of the beautiful name we have picked out for her.
Charlie now more than ever i am scared. Scared that your sister is going to end up in heaven with you, that i will never get to see my two beautiful girls. I am haunted daily and i can't sleep at night.
I want you to know that i love you more than words describe and i miss you beyond belief.
I am still thinking of you constantly....

Anticipation.....

2010-07-05T11:47:00.002+10:00

I am now 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am going to have a baby in 12 weeks. It is starting to feel somewhat real.
We have purchased the car seat and pram and i am slowly filling her room with pink.

I am having nightmares most nights. Cord accidents, stillbirth, her heart stops beating. I just want her to be safe, i just want her to come home. Some days the wait feels to long. I love her so much already and can't imagine her not being here.

Time for another update

2010-06-18T11:37:00.002+10:00

I have been so slack not updating my blog in such a long time. I come in here and want to write things but am not sure if people really want to here them. This was always a place to share my journey of grief after losing Charlie, but lately my journey has changed and i am on a new path.

I feel incredibly blessed that i am having another baby. It is very bittersweet however that we will be having another girl. It fills me with great mixed emotions but at the same time i am very excited.

I will be 25wks tomorrow. Starting to get into the rather uncomfortable stage, enjoying the big kicks my little girl is giving me and just taking in every precious moment that i can. I am scared still that something will go wrong but i am trying my hardest to be hopeful. It's all i can do.

pregnancy update: week 16

2010-04-20T16:24:00.002+10:00

I had started a new blog to document this journey but i am in no great head space to have 2 blogs on the go at the moment so i will update anyone that is interested from here.

Today i am 16.3wks pregnant. Still feeling extremely exhausted all the time and getting the odd bit of morning sicknes here and there.
I have started to feel lots of movements from the baby which is lovely and reassuring.
I have started seeing the high risk ob, he is very old and i am not sure if i like him or not.
It looks as though i will be having a repeat c/section for this baby, which i am ok about.
I am booked in to have my morphology scan on the 12th May, and hoping we will be able to find out the sex of the baby as well if he/she decides to co-operate.
Our little boy has named our baby and it is now affectionately know as "wonky donky" and i might add the name has stuck!

I am still struggling at times with my feelings and emotions with this pregnancy, finding it really hard to enjoy it. Worrying that things will go wrong and starting to approach the time in my pregnancy with Charlie where i had feelings that things were going wrong and i started telling my husband that i wasn't going to get my baby at the end of it.

We are yet to buy anything yet for this little babe, we will probably wait until after the next scan. After we lost Charlie i got rid of EVERYTHING.

Sinking back to that place we all know to well...

2010-04-20T16:18:00.002+10:00

Hello numbness i seem to be experiencing you again.
It's funny how quickly you get here without even noticing.
At the moment i feel like part of me is broken or empty. Part of me just doesn't want to do it anymore. I don't feel like talking, i don't feel like doing much of anything. It feels like such an effort to smile,or to do anything.
I hate feeling like this, i can feel the real me in there, somewhere down deep screaming out. The person who wants to smile, be happy and live life.....

Chasing Rainbows

2010-04-01T14:24:00.003+10:00

I thought it was about time i updated on this pregnancy for anyone that may be interested.

I am currently 13wks and have been for my 12 NT Scan and was given the all clear of this baby having any chromosmal problems. It was such a relief to hear this news, as it has been weighing heavily on my mind since the moment i found out i was pregnant.

I have been suffering with pretty bad morning sickness and this combined with the tiredness and all the emotions has not made the last couple of months much fun. I have spent most of the time hybernating in my bedroom and i am so thankful that my husband has picked up the slack. The poor thing has had to cook dinner nearly everynight and bath and put our son to bed.

I have also been feeling lots of little flutters in the last week which is lovely and so very reassuring. I still find it hard to comprehend that i am actually going to have another baby.

Next goal is to get the all clear at the morphology scan, where we got the devestating news about Charlie.

I have been missing Charlie alot in this last week and have found myself crying alot again. I had dragged out my Missy Higgins cd the other day and it brought all the emotions flooding back as it was the cd i listened to alot when the first wave of grief hit me just after we lost our girl.

please keep my family in your prayers

2010-03-09T16:44:00.001+10:00

my cousin has just been given bad news at their morphology scan :-( and now have to make the painful decision of whether they will continue with their pregnancy or terminate.

i am utterly devestated for them. i never imagined that anyone else in my family would have to go through this and know the pain that i know.

it scares me so much. this happens to much.

please keep them in your prayers tonight.

FEAR

2010-02-27T07:29:00.003+10:00

I have logged in nearly everyday for the last week and started writing this post and everytime i have deleted my words, unsure if they will come out right, unsure if i am ready to say them and worried about how they might upset other babylost mamma's.

I have been living in fear for the last couple of weeks. I am scared, i can't sleep and i am stressed to the max. I feel utterly depressed and just can't for the life of my bring myself to be even a little bit excited about the fact that i am carrying another little life in side me.

I am worried that i am not going to be able to protect this child, that this baby will be taken away from me and i am so so so scared that i will fall into a huge mess if i lose this baby.

I have been struggling with morning sickness. I have really bad indigestion and i can't eat because the moment that i do i vomit it back up. This also depresses me, i hate being sick. It's also makes this whole experience less than joyful.

I really don't want to seem ungrateful, because believe me i am not. I am just finding it so hard to believe that maybe this time it might all work out alright. It's hard when you have suffered a few different kind of losses, because you always wonder if you will be dealt a new kind of loss. Something different this time just to add to the mix. So that you can say you have been there and done it all.

I am more scared of miscarriage than anything. I know the possibility of losing a baby understand the same circumstances as Charlie is slim and i can get my head around that but miscarriage i can't. I know how common it is. I find myself on miscarriage watch daily, going to the toilet more than necessary checking for the signs. My last miscarriage really broke me.

Everybody keeps telling me that they have a good feeling about this baby, that 2010 is my year. So through the fear, the tears and the unknown i will try my hardest to hold on to that feeling and hope and pray that everything will be ok.

Meet you at the sunset - January Meeting 2010

2010-02-04T15:34:00.001+10:00

If you haven't already done so please pop on over to meet you at the sunset and take part in the January meeting.

x

Blog Makeover Baby

2010-02-02T14:57:00.004+10:00

I am so in love with my new blog look! I just keep logging on so i can have a look. It's so bright and fresh and so very me!

I would like to say a very big massive THANKYOU to the most amazing talented girl i know. You have done a fantastic job Carly and i am so grateful. xx

Waterfall Angels

2010-02-01T19:59:00.006+10:00

I opened my email tonight to a lovely suprise.

A lovely lady named Lisa all the way over in Florida was kind enough to take these lovely pictures for me:-

Lisa lost her little boy Jasper at 25wks. He was born to save her life as she had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome.

Pop on over and have a look at her blog

http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/

First Day of Kindy - NO TEARS!!!

2010-02-01T10:26:00.002+10:00

Today my little man started his first day of kindy!

Of course i woke up this morning a ball of nerves and well he just slept in. I was really worried about him and worried that there was going to be lots of tears but there were none!

When we first arrived he went a little funny and i could see that he was getting rather emotional but after we put all his stuff away, he was straight into the sandpit building sandcastles and didn't even notice me still standing there. So i gave him a big cuddle and a kiss and said my goodbyes, all the while him eager for me to get off him so that he could go back to playing.

What was i worrying about? maybe just me being at home all my lonesome with nobody to annoy me!

My little man is growing up! sniff sniff.

A horrible experience on Charlie's birthday...

2010-01-28T21:17:00.006+10:00

On Charlie's first birthday we went to the hospital to deliver some more teddies that i had been donated.

We rocked up to the counter at the maternity wing and i braved my way through telling the 3 midwives at the counter what i was there for etc etc and that i had spoken on serveral occasions previously to another midwife who knew about what i was doing etc.

After i had finally gotten out what i wanted to say which i might add was hard to do being so bittersweet since it was a year to the day (17th Dec 2008) since we had walked out those doors with empty arms and a broken hearts. I was told by the most horrible midwife in the world that they don't except toys in this wing and that i would need to go to the childrens ward!!!?!?!

Um did i mention anything about toys? NO i told you i had teddies.

So fighting back the tears i try to explain that i had spoken to another midwife etc etc she knew the deal, that i wanted to give the teddies to mums who babies had died.....

I was then told by the cow of a lady that and i quote " we only have live babies here"

well didn't that get my water works going! so um tell me what did i do here a year ago today? it surely wasn't giving birth to a live baby :-(

So through even more tears i explain to them yet again that I LOST MY BABY HERE and that i wanted to give the teddies to mum's who have gone through what i have.

Well what do you know, one of the midwives actually listened to me (not the cow of course) and she was on the phone straight away to the lady i needed to speak to. She was busy with a ob but would be out to see us as soon as she could.

So then here we are me and my husband balling our eyes out at the counter of the maternity wing our son freaking out wondering why we are crying and the cow of a midwife tells us to go and wait in the waiting room which i might add has people sitting in it waiting i can only imagine for the birth of live babies. it was more than a little AWKWARD.

So finally a lady comes out to see us, not the lady i was expecting, she doesn't usher us into another room she talks to us there in the waiting room, infront of the other people who look extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't even ask us our names, or what happened to our baby nothing. She takes the teddies, thanks us and sends us on our way.

I am really mad about this, i thought i could get over it but i am still fuming! you know some people just don't get it, and out of all people i thought midwives would know how to show a bit of compassion!!!! I just feel so horrified in the midwives comment that they only have live babies. WHY don't people want to acknowledge the fact that babies die?!?!

I walked out of that hospital feeling like i had done nothing to honour my daughters name on her first birthday in heaven. You know i wasn't after any recognition for myself just wanted to do something for Charlie and this is how i was treated.

You know what the worst bit is, one day i have to walk back through those doors and have another baby in that hospital. I wonder if they will be compassionate then when i am scared out of my wits.......

Tears for a baby

2010-01-25T15:54:00.002+10:00

This last week everytime i think of having, wanting, needing a baby i can't help but cry. The tears just haven't stopped flowing.

I want another baby now more than i ever have. We have been trying to conceive now since January 2007 and i feel like i am starting to see the years slip by and i am not any closer to achieving my dreams.

I can't bare to walk past that empty room with the door closed any longer. I want it to be open and beautiful and have a precious baby inside.

I want to be tired and cranky and run off my feet with 2 children.

I want to be whinging over my post pregnancy body, all the stretch marks and wrinkly skin.

This week i just want........ just want a baby.

Happy Heavenly 1st Birthday Baby Girl

2009-12-17T16:44:00.003+10:00

This time last year my heart was aching, my womb was empty and i felt like my world had fallen apart.
I never thought i would take the journey of losing a baby but yet here i am.
Losing a baby, your child it changes you. Sometimes i feel like i am a little less understanding, a little bit more bitter and a whole lot more broken. But i feel like i have also opened my eyes and learnt to appreciate everything i have around me, i have learnt to love more, to laugh more and just to be grateful for everyday.
I have cried many tears this year, thought that my family was going to fall apart and questioned my whole life.
When i was little and even up until we had Charlie all i ever wanted was to be a mother to a little girl, i just wanted to be a better mother than my own was to me. It breaks my heart to know that i have my little girl but she can't be here with me. I think of all the things i will miss out doing with her and it just brings me to tears.

Happy Birthday Charlie. I wish that you could be here to celebrate it with us. Today we will be going to your special spot, we are going to celebrate. Look out for your pink ballons in the sky, Joshie is so excited that he is sending them up into the sky to you. He has made you a very special card and so has daddy and I.
We love you baby girl, always and forever.

Getting all arty and crafty

2009-12-07T07:03:00.005+10:00

I like to paint, draw, scrapbook, take photo's you name it i like it!

I lost my mojo after we lost Charlie, the passion was gone. I picked up the paintbrush once in the week after we lost Charlie and painted a butterfly it was pink and purple with lots of black and full of so much emotion. My DH reckons it was the best thing i had ever painted.

I recently picked up my paintbrush again and got crafty for my neice's 2nd birthday. this is the outcome:-

I also painted her a "M" to hang on her wall

and also made her birthday cake

It was so good to get all arty and crafty again. It is such a release!!

the first frangipani's are in bloom

2009-12-04T06:54:00.007+10:00

from the same tree that i picked flowers from and took pictures of on my pregnant belly this time last year.

Oh how things can change in a year.
Although i still cry in silence and the ache in my heart remains, i feel like i am smiling, that i am happy and that i am starting to live life again.
Although loosing Charlie was tragic, heartbreaking, life shattering i am also now seeing it as a blessing in disguise.
An opportunity to open my eyes, to learn, to love, to appreciate. Loosing Charlie has been a major learning curve. For the last 2 years our life has been BIG BIG mess, of house renovations, no routines, i felt lost and life was hard. There was no time to sit, relax, enjoy and live. Now we are making the time. Cherishing those special little moments, not letting them ever slip by.

It's 13 days today until Charlie's heavenly first birthday. A whole year and not a day passes where we don't think of our little girl. We will be spending the day at the beach with our girl. We are having a cake and we are going to celebrate.

and as we mark a year gone by and a first birthday in heaven, a very special lady will be celebrating the birth of her precious water babe. She gives me hope that one day i will be where she is right now. That i will feel that anticipation as the birth fast approaches and then the pure joy and happiness when you are holding that baby safe in your arms. If you have a spare moment pop on over to her blog and send her some well wishes and she counts down to the birth of her little babe.

A name gallery for Charlie - will you help me?

2009-11-19T15:22:00.003+10:00

Next month it will be Charlie's 1st Heavenly Birthday.

This year sure has had it fair share of ups and downs. I seem to be in one of the downs at the moment.

I have been trying to think of ways to mark the special occasion and was wondering if anyone was willing to take a photo of Charlie's name in a creative way? and send them to me? like writing it with lollies or candles etc etc.

I would love to have them all framed.

Anyway it's just a thought :-)

I'm still here

2009-10-26T14:03:00.002+10:00

just incase anyone was wondering.

We have been really busy getting the house renovations done. We only have to build the deck and put the new kitchen in and we are finished! Hoping and praying that it will all be done by christmas time so we can sit back and relax for the first time in nearly 2.5yrs.

It also means that when the new year rolls around we will start with a clean slate. new goals for the year and hopefully another little bundle of joy.

I am finding myself getting increasingly sad as Charlie's first birthday approaches. I can't understand how this year has gone so fast. My husband will not be working that day and we are going to go to the beach, let some ballons go with letters to Charlie attatched and just enjoy our girl's birthday. I know it sounds silly but i hope and pray that others will remember Charlie's birthday as well.

I am also feeling happier in myself. A few months back i had dug myself into a hole that i never thought i would get out of, but i have done it all by myself. Little by little, each day at a time. I have also managed to loose nearly 4kgs and i am feeling so much better.

Hope you are all well xx

Blurgh

2009-09-29T17:18:00.002+10:00

I feel Blurgh! BLURGH BLURGH BLURGH BLURGH BLURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok that made me feel a little better.

Why is it that when i finally start feeling happy, something happens that sends me right back into that sinking feeling i know all to well.

BLURGH!!!!

I will not let this get me down. I WILL NOT!!!!

that is all :-)

Just a little update

2009-09-26T08:34:00.002+10:00

The weight loss thing is going really well. It's been really easy and i am loving learning about replacing things for healthier options.

I always eat healthy but i was a bit shocked that a yoghurt i eat was worth so many points! i have now swapped it for a point free yoghurt yay.

My first weigh in will be on monday and i know that i have already lost 1kg which is super exciting!

I'm doing it! My goal is getting closer.

Ok i mean business this time.

2009-09-22T07:30:00.002+10:00

There is no turning back this time! I have joined weight watchers online and i AM going to loose these 10kgs so that i can be healthier, enjoy my son more and be in the best possible shape i can be before we decide to bring another baby into the world.

I so badly want another baby but i am not going to do it until those 10kgs are gone. TTC again will be my reward to myself and if i fall off the wagon i am only going to have myself to blame for not filling my dream.

Yesterday was my first day, looking good so far! It's alot easier than i thought it would be and i am actually very excited!

Fur Babies

2009-09-21T14:34:00.003+10:00

Our little fur babies are 3 weeks old now.
Their eyes are open and they are trying to walk around alot.
They are just so damn cute that it's going to break my heart to see them all go.
They all have their very own unique personalities.

nine months

2009-09-17T08:01:00.003+10:00

have passed by since we lost our precious girl.
i can't understand how it has gone so quickly.

you spend nine months of your like pregnant but it never goes as fast as this has.

it is true that time does keep moving even though you are left standing still.

i will be lighting charlie's candles again tonight like i do most nights, but i think today i might go shopping and find something special to put with all her precious things.

baby girl we love you so much. there isn't a minute in anyday where my heart doesn't ache for you. thankyou for being such a massive part of our lives. for opening our eyes to so many things. for teaching us what love really is.
love love love you beautiful girl.
love your mummy xxx

ok i admit it..... i really suck

2009-09-15T15:55:00.003+10:00

i posted awhile back about starting a new goal and trying to loose 10kgs.

well.............

i haven't even tried :-(

everyday is soooo different, some days i get on my exercise bike and eat really well and other days i feel like i hate the world and out comes the chocolate and all the things that make me happy!

sigh.

Nothing to say

2009-09-15T07:42:00.005+10:00

I often come in here with a head full of thoughts and words ready to write...

but i always seem to go blank.

I could always write, read, paint, take photo's and even write a bit of poetry but now my head feels blank.

I have only felt like this in the last couple of months.

I feel like this when i am around people as well. They will ask me how i am and i have the reply in my head but nothing comes out just a half smile.

Why is this? why is it that i have lost my passions? lost my ability to think and speak.

Am i guarding myself?

I never imagined that grief could be as wide spread as what it is. That it wasn't just all about being sad and crying. I didn't realise that it comes in so many forms an sneeks up on you when you least expect it.

I am feeling pretty good in myself these days, i guess just guarded. fear of being hurt, fear of hurting others.

.....................................................................................

On a lighter note please go and check out Carly's new site! This girl just keeps on amazing me!

http://carlymariephotography.blogspot.com/

her photo's are beautiful and reflect and capture her personality!

.....................................................................................

We are family

2009-09-08T07:56:00.003+10:00

yesterday i went to my nephews 4th birthday party and captured this candid shot of my mother, sister her daughter and I. it has now become my favourite photo!!

this photo marks three generations of girls.....

all with different journeys and stories to tell.

my mother had 5 premmie babies all born under 32wks.

my sister went into false labour 10 times starting at 29wks and had a two week hospital stay only to have her daughter 5 days before her due date.

then there is me i have had one healthy son, 3 miscarriages and lost the daughter i have longed for all my life.

a picture can say a thousand words.

HOW???

2009-09-03T17:35:00.003+10:00

how do you make sense of a situation that just doesn't make any sense at all?

how is it fair that somebody can loose their child? let alone that same somebody loose all three of their children?

how did that somebody deserve such devestation? when others feel no devestation at all?

how do you have hope? and what is there to hold on to? when there is nothing there to hold on to at all.

how do you go back to normal? how do you even know what's normal? if there is even a normal at all.

how do you smile when there is such grief and heartache? three times the amount of grief and heartache that one should have to suffer. how can you even want to ever smile again at all?

oh how your arms feel empty when your baby is taken from this earth.
but how empty do your arms feel when you have none of your three babies? no babies at all.

how my heart is breaking for this heartbroken mamma
who will always be a mamma after all.

Fly Free Precious Jet. Please send your prayers to Mirne and Craig.

2009-09-02T09:21:00.005+10:00

Precious little Jet is now flying free with his brother and sister up in heaven.

Mirne and Craig have lost three children now. THREE. How is this fair.

Thinking of you Mirne and Craig. You are in all our thoughts and prayers.

http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/

We have some new additions to our family.

2009-08-31T14:23:00.003+10:00

When we lost Charlie i decided to buy a kitten as my arms were feeling rather empty. She fitted straight into our family and was such an affectionate little thing.
We worked out that she is roughly the same age as what Charlie would be as well.
We had planned to get her desexed but found out she was pregnant! When we spoke to the vet they had said that they could terminate her pregnancy while she was being fixed up but how could i? who was i to deny her the right of being a mother? surely she would feel great loss if i took that away from her. i know that pain and cat or not i would never want to inflict that pain on anyone. I do realise however that i will in 8wks time take those babies away from her so that they can go to new homes.. i am yet to deal with this one!

Anyhoo last night she welcomed into the world four precious healthy little babies

As i sat and watched her give birth (she would not let me leave her side) and go through the normal routine of cleaning them etc etc i couldn't help but feel a tad hurt and jealous that she was there having four healthy babies and i couldn't even have one.

I was extremly happy for her though she was such a natural and did a fantastic job considering she is only really a baby herself.

Watching her give birth has left me feeling rather deflated and a tad depressed. I feel a litle silly saying it as she is a cat after all but i honestly did not believe it would have this sort of affect on me.

The Secret Garden Meeting - AUGUST

2009-08-29T13:09:00.003+10:00

The Secret Garden Meeting

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
we moved into a new house before we conceived Charlie which only had 2 bedrooms. We built a new bedroom especially for a new baby. It had cot, change table, drawers and toys and a few clothes and nappies. We were waiting to find out the sex of the baby so i could really get in there and decorate. We were really excited about doing that.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
The day we found out we were going to loose Charlie was the day we were going to go and pick out paint colours for the room (we were hoping to find out sex at ultrasound. So we only really going to get started.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
I was home from hospital the same day having Charlie. We closed the door on the room, we couldn't face looking at it.

Did you pack it all away?

Yes and i gave most of my baby stuff away as at the time i truly believed in my heart that i wouldn't be able to go down that road again.

What is your baby's room now?
It's still a nursery. A very empty lonely looking room that has never had anyone sleep in it.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I know that i will not do it until atleast after the morphology scan. I feel like i don't want to jinx myself. But at the same time i am excited that one day it will finally be a room to our child and one that i have decorated with all my heart and soul.

All the places i go remind me of you

2009-08-29T10:32:00.004+10:00

It doesn't matter where i go or what i do there is always something that reminds me of you.

Places we went when you were tucked up warm and safe inside me.

I can be somewhere and smell something in the air and it will take me back to when you were tucked up warm and safe inside me.

I am struggling at the moment with constant reminders of being pregnant with Charlie.

I can smell freesias in the air and it takes me back to when i was pregnant with her as it was this time last year. That smell now will remind me of the time i spent with my precious baby.

I cannot get my head around the fact that this time last year i was pregnant, i was full of joy, i had morning sickness and i knew the path my life was taking.

There will be more constant reminders....

I know that when my frangipani tree's are flowering that it will take me back to the happy time as well. When i was pregnant i took this photo of a frangipani i picked of our tree on my pregnant belly.

Happy Birthday Sweet Carly

2009-08-25T20:49:00.002+10:00

Just wanting to wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow.

I hope that you have a very special birthday with Sam & your girls. I am sure that Christian will be shining down on you as well.

Pop on over to Carly's blog and wish her a happy birthday too!

Did you know?

2009-08-24T16:22:00.005+10:00

That i am 25. I started trying to conceive when i was just 20 right after our wedding in May 2005. I fell pregnant with our first son Joshua in August and he was born the following April 2006.

We started trying to conceive again in January 2007. I fell pregnant in November that year and had a miscarriage in December. We got straight back on the bandwagon and i managed to fall pregnant in August 2008 only to loose Charlie in December 2008. I fell pregnant again two months after we lost charlie but had another miscarriage, something i have not shared with anyone bar my husband. Then i fell pregnant again in June this year only to miscarry again at 7wks in July.

Now here i am back on this road trying to conceive yet again, trying to convince myself that i have the strength in me to do this all again. Finding it hard to ignore the ever constant yearning for another baby and the sadness at all the little one's that i have lost.

Did you know that i am really passionate about anything creative? that i love painting, music that touches my soul, scrapbooking, photography and interior design.

I am really feeling drawn at the moment to go to uni and do a bachelor of design or an advanced diploma in design. I have always taken great pride in decorating our new house, finding new things that represent our family and tell a story about us when you walk through the door. I love colour and i am not afraid to use it. I love vases of flowers and pretty sparkly things. I love throw rugs and cushions all over my lounges and i love being able to express myself this way.

Did you know that i am my fathers only daughter? He had 4 boys before he got me. 2 from a previous marriage, and two from his marriage with my mother.

Did you know that i am addicted to making yummy food like this cheesecake here? Did you know that i rarely eat it? I just like to make it.

Did you know that i love the beach. That it is my special place to go. That i love to sit with my feet buried in the sand and feel the wind all around me.

Did you know that my little family means the world to me.

I've got a new goal!

2009-08-17T10:44:00.002+10:00

I have decided that i am going to loose 10kgs eeek! I need something positive to focus on and have decided this is it. I want to be super healthy and fit before we even try to conceive another baby. I just want to do everything that i possibly can to better my chances of making a little baby stick!

Last night i started with 30mins on the exercise bike and then i did 40 push ups off the island bench in the kitchen. This morning i was super healthy and had fresh fruit salad for breakfast instead of the usual raisin toast with lashings of butter!

I feel like i might actually been in the right frame of mind to finally do this. Let's hope i can!

Quietly falling to pieces

2009-08-07T08:48:00.002+10:00

This miscarriage has shattered me. Even my husband doesn't know how i am really coping, he is so stressed with his job that i can't bring myself to put anymore strain on him. He doesn't need it.

I really feel broken, i feel soooo empty and so distant. I feel unattatched to my little family that i love with all my heart and i just wish at the moment that i could be all by myself. I can't stand to much noise, i like it really quiet and i just can't bring myself to smile or be happy.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's just not affecting me but all the people around me. I know that they are tired of guessing what my mood is going to be like and watching what they say around me. I don't want to hurt them.

I just want this sadness to go away.

I want it to be replaced by tears of happiness. I want to be excited about another pregnancy. I know at the moment that is my key to happiness.

Let's talk about grief

2009-08-01T17:58:00.004+10:00

ah where do i start with this word..... GRIEF..... and what it has done to my life.

Firstly i never imagined that i would feel this much grief and never did i imagine that it could last this long but now i know that it is probably something that i will carry around with me for always.

Grief is so traumatic, so eye opening, full of great darkness, it can be something that gives you hope for the future and something that can set you on a path of self destruction for the rest of your life.

Grief can attack you when you least expect it. It comes crashing down on you like big heavy waves. It comes and goes, it's there even when you think it's not. It makes me confused and makes me question did i really loose Charlie? or is it all just a dream. It's stressful, it's tiring and it makes me nervous.

I feel like i have even through all the darkness, the tears that i have cried, the sleepless nights, the anger and pushing people away, tried my hardest to not focus on all the negatives but seen this as kind of like a blessing in disguise. I feel grateful that even know i don't have Charlie here with me, i had her growing inside of me for 19wks, she was a part of me and will always be a part of me, and for that i need to be grateful.

I miss Charlie more than anything, my heart aches for her constantly and i wish that things could have been different. That she didn't get hydrocephalus, because if she didn't get that there was a chance she could have lived a normal life with Turners Syndrome. I think about that constantly.

But i feel like i was never truly grateful for anything that i had, i always wanted more or what other people had. Loosing Charlie and dealing with Grief has really made me open my eyes and appreciate all the good things that i have around me. I have learnt not to even bother with the pety little things and that there is so much more to the big picture.

Grief has taught me to live, to love, to appreciate, to be gentle on others, show compassion, be selfless and it has made me grow up.

Grief takes so much away from you, but it can also give you so much more.

If you have a spare minute, please check this blog out!

2009-07-28T08:41:00.001+10:00

It is truly beautiful!!!

Under the tree has changed!

2009-07-24T15:40:00.001+10:00

for all you baby lost mamma's who took part in Carly's Under The Tree i thought i would let you know that there has been a name change and a new blog :)

I am an aunty again!!!

2009-07-24T08:46:00.002+10:00

Tuesday morning i was lucky enough watch my new little neice being born into the world. I was so proud of my little sister she did such a wonderful job and she now has the most beautiful little daughter to show for it.

It was such an emotionally charged time but the most amazing thing you could ever witness. Seeing a new little life come into the world, watching the baby look their mummy in the eyes for the first time and just feel the joy and excitement in the room and the pride the mother feels after such a great effort.

This is the 2nd birth i have watched now, the first was my sister in law and it's funny because they have bothed happened a week after i have had a miscarriage. Strange sort of coinsidence.

Anyway i am so very proud of my sister and just over the moon to be an Aunty again. Loving having a little girl to spoil and go pink shopping for ;)

Get back on the horse?

2009-07-20T13:12:00.002+10:00

We went to a family BBQ on the weekend, all our family were feeling for us after our recent loss but most commented that we should get straight back on the horse!

It got me thinking....

I had said that i needed a break both physically and emotionally but i just can't help but feel that strong pull of wanting to try again straight away. Those feelings of wanting another little baby are just to strong to ignore sometimes.

I am scared but you know i never thought i would make it out of the darkness as well as i did after loosing Charlie and i realise now that i have more strength than i care to give myself credit for. I am gutted after loosing this little baby as well but i just can't and won't let myself sink back into that dark place that many of us know so well.

LIfe is so short and what if i keep putting it off and putting it off and something happens and then i don't get that chance to have another baby? How would i feel then?

Today it's all about the positives!!!

2009-07-18T09:06:00.000+10:00

I won't lie. The past seven months have been a living hell it has been a emotional rollercoaster ride that i have wanted to get off of so many times. I never thought i would experience such pain but i have and although it has been tough it has been a learning experience, it has opened my eyes and made me appreciate all the good things i have in my life.

I have a loving husband. We have been married for 4yrs now, together 7. He is always there for me whenever i need him and with pride he is the provider of our family. He leaves for work when it is dark and doesn't get home until it is dark, but his face always lights up the minute he walks through that door and he is back home with his family.

I have the most wonderful 3yr old son. He is cheeky, ever so happy and full of life. I like to think that he is quite clever and knows an awful lot for a child of his age. When we lost Charlie he was there to comfort me, he grabbed my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and told me "it's all right mummy, you've got me". I now more than ever feel blessed that i have him, i do feel as though he is my miracle. It puts a smile on my face even through the tough times.

I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food on the table. My husband still has his job which is a comfort with the way the world is turning. We are all happy and healthy.

I have been blessed with a wonderful family that i wouldnt trade for the world.

I have so many things to be grateful for, to be positive about and to remember that even through all the tough times i really am truly blessed.

Oh how it aches

2009-07-14T16:24:00.000+10:00

my heart is aching, i have never felt so much heaviness.

i thought i couldn't grieve anymore after loosing charlie but now much heart aches for them both and what could have been.

i feel so much emptiness and am so unsure of where my life goes from here.

i am trying to just breath, take each minute as it comes and bask in all the goodness that my son brings for now he really does feel like my little miracle boy.

Such a short lived pregnancy

2009-07-14T08:11:00.000+10:00

I started spotting yesterday with clots and mild cramps. Went to the hospital a&e, i had a ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy only to find that the baby is only measuring 5wks when i should be 7wks. They are sending me for blood tests to keep an eye on my HCG levels but i know in my heart that this is the end.

I have woke today to a bit heavier bleeding.

I am utterly devestated. Since loosing Charlie i finally felt like i had a little bit of hope to hold on to and now i just feel so empty and lost.

We just have had no luck trying to conceive since having our first son Joshua and in no way am i trying to make my situation worse than others but for me my heart is broken. I have had 3 miscarriages now and lost Charlie in the space of 2yrs.

I don't know how much more my heart can take.

I feel alone

2009-07-11T08:32:00.000+10:00

During high school i had many great friends that i always went out of my way for, i cherished our friendships and they all managed to hurt me in one way or another.

I have now gotten to the point where i feel that i can't trust many women, i always worry about them using what i say against me or just generally bitching about me behind my back. I can't stand the games some of them play, it hurts me and i don't want that in my life.

I have so much to give when it comes to being a friend but yet i feel that i can't find that special group of friends that i so badly long for.

I feel really lonely. I want nothing more in my life right now then having beautiful friends that i can talk to in my hour of need, share beautiful memories with and be there when they need me the most as well. I wish i had female friends that i could took to about Charlie and just be there to listen and also somebody to get excited with me about this new pregnancy. I want it so bad it makes me cry.....

family day @ the beach

2009-07-06T13:48:00.000+10:00

a few weeks ago when went to the beach and spent the day with charlie, it was such a lovely day and i just thought i would share the pics with you!

Hello World this is me!

2009-07-06T13:30:00.001+10:00

It has been along time since i have had a chance to get on here and type all my emotions out.

We have just passed the 6 month mark since loosing charlie but instead of making the day all about feeling down and what we don't have we spent the day celebrating charlie and the short time we had with her :) I am still missing my girl like crazy but find so my peace going to the beach and just sitting and feeling her around me.

Life has been hectic now that i am working again, although i must admit i am not enjoying it that much, i miss my little boy like crazy and my house has turned into a bomb site!

We are also expecting another little baby and we are going into this pregnancy with much excitement, and hope for the future. Although we are scared we are trying to stay as positive as we can be :) We feel really blessed!

How are you today? yes i am talking to you!

2009-05-27T16:01:00.001+10:00

It seems so quiet lately in blog land.

How are all your baby lost mamma's going?

I have just managed to get past Charlie's EDD, boy that was a tough day! I thought that i had prepared myself for it but i was sadly mistaken.

We marked the occassion with a family bbq and the following day we went to Charlie's beach for a spot of fishing and the sun shining on the water was AMAZING!!!! It was like Charlie was giving us a perfect day. It was just beautiful.

We are trying for another baby this month and even know i am still struggling with my grief for Charlie, i am excited at the thought of bringing another little miracle into this world.

Anyway i hope you are all well out there in blog land :-)

RIP little Exodus Tyson

2009-05-27T15:59:00.000+10:00

Today Mike Tyson's 4yr old little daughter passed away after an unfortunate accident with a treadmill cord.

My thoughts are with the family.

Fly free precious little angel.

FLY FREE KAYLEIGH

2009-05-20T16:22:00.000+10:00

I have been following this little miracle's journey since i lost Charlie.

today i have learnt that she is now flying with the angels and i am in tears. my heart is just shattered for this family.

please take the time to read her blog and pass on your well wishes to her family.

this sweet little baby girl has touched so many hearts all over the world.

thankyou to the freeman's for sharing your incredible journey with us all.

It's been awhile....

2009-05-06T14:39:00.000+10:00

Things have been kind of hectic around here lately. I kind of had a job fall into my lap which i guess was to good to pass up so i have been back at work now for 2wks. Being a working mumma for the first time in 3yrs is rather challenging to say the least!! Talk about feeling all out of whack. I am not sure if i am liking the new situation yet. I still have that overwhelming feeling to have another baby that most of you mumma's would know all to well. It is just eating away at me......

Charlie's estimated due date is fast approaching!! 3 days and counting. I am really dreading Saturday and the emotions that i know are going to come with it. To make it harder Mother's Day is the next day & i was super excited about having a new baby for Mother's Day and that being my present to myself.....

Things feel as though they are getting easier atleast once a week i find myself in a bit sobbing heap. Gosh i miss my girl and wish things could be different.

Joshua has been talking about Charlie lots lately and even to other people, he told my Sister in Law the other day that Charlie's was up in the Sky and that he wishes she wasn't. He tells me all the time that he loves her as well.
Just last Saturday we were going for a drive to the beach and it was a fairly overcast sort of day..... We were driving along and the sun started to come out from behind the clouds and Josh yells out from the back seat "MMMMMMMMMMMMUM!!!! The suns out! I can see Charlie trying to get out of the cloud! She's talking to me!".
So very sweet.

Hoping to do something nice on Saturday to mark the occassion of Charlie's EDD?!?! Not sure what to do yet.

Hope all you beautiful baby lost mumma's out there in blog land are doing well.

Thinking of you all
xxxx

Bittersweet moments in time...

2009-04-20T10:34:00.000+10:00

Yesterday we had a really big clean up around our house, one because it was needed and two we are having a house valuation today.
Amongst our cleaning madness Russell my husband put up some shelves in our lounge room which he has been meaning to do for such a long time.
Anyway on these shelves i placed all of Charlie's things. Her memory box, hand and foot prints, her photo and a few other little bits and pieces....
The feelings that come over me were bittersweet. I was so happy that Charlie finally had a special place in our home and i was just overcome with grief that all that i have of my baby are a few memories on a shelf.
I was shaking so much when i placed all of her special things up on that shelf and the tears that followed lasted the rest of the day.
Now as you walk in our front door, the first thing you see is Charlie's special place. Today i haven't been able to stop looking at it.

I am fast approaching what would be my due date for Charlie as well, i know that know body else is going to remember except me. I know that it is going to be a day of sadness for me and a day i will wondering what would have happened if things turned out differently.

I start a new job this week as well. I am really scared and nervous. It has been three years now since i have worked and i feel very rusty around the edges. I know that working will probably be a good distraction and also a good social interaction but i am just scared that i am pushing myself to soon... Only time will tell i guess.

I am thankful

2009-04-08T15:13:00.001+10:00

I want to say a big thankyou to Carly for taking me under her wing! I truly don't know what us baby lost mamma's would do without you. Everyday you give us hope and strength and you have showed us that even through all our grief we can learn to be happy again and live our life while still remembering our beautiful babies. I wish only good things for you and i hope that you can find that balance you are looking for in your life right now. Everyday you inspire me.

In the last few days i can feel my spirits lifting and i no longer feel as though i am in that really dark place i found myself last week. I feel as though i am having more good days then bad. I learning how to smile again and really enjoy and cherish all the good things in my life. I am thankful for so many things and i don't ever want to forget that.

Charlie is still in my thoughts everyday, i don't think there will ever be a day that goes by were i don't think of her. I have decided that i want to frame the three precious photo's we have of our girl and hang them proudly in our house. I know that they aren't really the type of photo that everyone might want to see put i am proud of my daughter, she is part of my family and i want her to have a special place in our home, her home. Alongside her photo's will go her beautiful name written in the sand by Carly and i am thinking of painting a pretty dragonfly as well. Dragonflies are one of my most favourite things. I would also like to frame her tiny little hand and foot prints as well.

My heart bursts with love for my daughter even though she isn't her with me. A mother's love never dies.

2009-04-02T13:20:00.001+10:00

yesterday i took Josh to playgroup for the very first time. In the group were two very heavily pregnant women around the same point i should be right about now. The whole playgroup i sat and listened to these ladies talking about their pregnancies and upcoming births and arrivals and fought back the tears.
I felt that i wanted to say that i should be pregnant as well but lost my baby etc but how do you go about it? how do you tell complete strangers? it's so strange after loosing your baby to be faced with social situations like this. do you just bite your tongue and never say anything? or do you tell them and then maybe them not talk about their pregnancies etc anymore for the fear of upsetting you??

i am also trying to deal with a member of my family that is pregnant and is now feeling depressed and is actually not wanting to have her baby! i really can't hear it. how can somebody say that? how is it fair? here she is pregnant not wanting her baby and what about me? i have been trying for a much wanted baby since Jan 07 and look what i get...... and what about all those other people that are suffering more then me, that can't even have children. Why is it that life just doesn't seem fair sometimes?

My greatest sorrow

2009-04-02T13:10:00.000+10:00

This past week has been extremely hard for me.
I feel like finally i have been able to pull down all the barriers i have had in place and let the flood gates open. I am finally dealing with loosing Charlie.
In the past week i have felt such great darkness, i have cried nonstop for days, i haven't been able to eat or sleep and at one point was so close to walking away from my life as i know it. I have never in my life ever felt so sad, i have never felt so much pain and i have never cried as many tears as i have in the past week and i am now. My heart was aching, my soul was shattered and i felt that i had nobody that i could turn to in my hour of need. I did it all alone.
I have relived in my head thousands of times the bad news being broken to us, the birth and the aftermath and it is still so raw and as fresh as the day it happened.
I now feel exhausted beyond belief i am so tired both physically and emotionally and i am still really struggling to figure out a way to rebuild my life from here and carry on.
I can't seem to find strength from anywhere at the moment. I am drowing....

2009-03-26T09:14:00.000+10:00

the day you left us for heaven

you swam amongst the sparkling stars

you left your little place on earth

to start your journey afar

your time here with me was short

but your impact will be forever deep

my precious little baby girl

born with pretty little angel wings

softly sound asleep

go now my sweet little baby girl

spread your wings and learn to fly

forever watch on over us

from your place up in the sky

to my baby girl

2009-03-26T09:10:00.000+10:00

dear charlie,

i miss you so much right now. my heart is aching for you constantly. everything in my life just seems to be falling apart and i wish so much that you were here so that everything could be normal again.
i wish that you were here so that i could see you smile, see you laugh, hug you close and breathe in your beautiful baby smell.
your brother has been asking about you lots lately, he was so looking forward to being able to play with you. he would have been a wonderful big brother to you.
i love you so much baby girl.

love mummy
xxxx

Just thinking out loud

2009-03-23T19:38:00.001+10:00

i feel like lately i am numb again like i am blocking everything out. i have tried several times to get on here and write out my feelings but i can't... my brain just doesn't seem to be working. I try to think about Charlie but i can't. I can't feel anything..... I just think and feel nothing. Gosh does that even make sense???
i have been trying so hard to get my group "empty arms" off the ground. I have 2 boxes of teddy bears sitting here waiting to go to the hospital but do you think i can bring myself to do it? that means walking through those doors that 13wks ago i walked out of empty armed without my baby and whispered those words .... "goodbye my baby". i want this to work i want to help other mums but i am stuck. i just can't seem to find any direction....
i just feel like i am in a massive slump at the moment with nearly every aspect of my life... don't know how to move forward, fear to do it and i guess stuck here wollowing in my own self pity.
i know that it is still only early days, 13wks, i know that i expect to much from myself and that really i haven't even dealt with all my feelings about Charlie yet.
When i got home from hospital i was the one holding everyone else together, i was the one telling them not to cry and that it was going to be ok. Meanwhile who was looking after me??? Still who is looking after me?

Surrounded

2009-03-19T13:16:00.000+10:00

Today i took my son shopping as a special outing as it is raining here and i didn't feel like being stuck in the house. We were both happy and excited enjoying our morning until all of a sudden i felt like i was surrounded by pregnant women everywhere. I reckon that i seen six pregnant women within a matter of a minute and they all would have been as pregnant as i should be right now.
I nearly started crying right there on the spot. I felt sooooooooo jealous.

I am grateful....

2009-03-18T07:09:00.000+10:00

for my beautiful caring understanding husband. He is always there in my hour of need. When he looks into my eyes i can feel his love for me. He is a wonderful father and has so much time and patience for his son. He is always willing to lend a hand and is a great friend to all around him. I never thought i would feel a love as deep as i do for him. He is much best friend.

I am grateful for my precious son. It's funny how much i took for granted being pregnant with him, i just assumed that everything would be alright and luckily it was. I never realised just how amazing being pregnant was and the impact of bringing a life into this world would have on me. My son is a beautiful little soul, wise beyond his years. He never fails to put a smile on my face and always knows the right things to see and do to make me happy. In saying that he also really knows how to push my buttons and throw a great toddler tantrum lol! My heart just explodes with love for him, he is my world my everthing. My precious miracle.

I am grateful for my family. We are all so very close and i love when we have our big family gatherings. We are always there for each other and willing to lend and ear or a shoulder to cry on. Family is important.

I am grateful for the life i have been given. Growing up we never had the best of anything and at times i was teased for it at school. I grew up with my two older brothers and a wonderful caring father who gave up everything for us. Having the childhood i did has made me what i am today. I have learnt to appreciate the smaller things in life and the importance of family.

I feel blessed.

Take my hand

2009-03-16T19:54:00.000+10:00

This poem is for all us baby lost mamma's.

Today i have felt really alone, i feel like i am lacking support and understanding.

I just want all you other mum's to know that you are not alone, for all us other baby lost mamma's are here and we will stick together. We know your pain and we can understand what you are going through.

Take My Hand

I cannot ease your aching heart,

Nor take your pain away,

But let me stay and take your hand

And walk with you today.

I'll listen when you need to talk,

I'll wipe away your tears,

I'll share your worries when they come,

I'll help you face your fears.

I'm here and I will stand by you,

Each hill you have to climb.

So take my hand, let's face the world

Live one day at a time.

You're not alone, for I'm still here.

I'll go that extra mile,

And when your grief is easier,

I'll help you learn to smile!

It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.

I want her safe back in my womb where she belongs

2009-03-14T17:44:00.000+10:00

Today i would be 32wks pregnant.
Today is a bad day.
I just want Charlie back safe inside me.
I want to feel her kicking,.
I want to be big and fat and pregnant. I want to be decorating Charlie's nursery.
I want to be scared about giving birth and worried about all the sleepless nights that should be ahead.

Instead i am sad :(

Fly free little baby up to the stars

2009-03-12T07:58:00.000+10:00

It has been 11wks yesterday since i lost my baby girl.
It's funny how sometimes it feels like it has gone so slow and sometimes way to quickly. I cannot believe that it has been three months, the pain is still that raw that it feels like only yesterday.
If i close my eyes i can picture it all, every single tiny little detail. That's when all the tears and emotions come flooding back.
Since i wrote my last post i really feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, i still feel like i have no direction yet but i'm going to sit tight for the moment and wait for a sign. I have to remember that it is still only early days and i think sometimes i am asking way to much of myself.
I received some more teddy bears in the mail yesterday for my group emtpy arms, the basket of teddies is starting to overflow and it won't be long now before i can take the teddies to there new home at the hospital to await their turn to help comfort grieving mums. I really hope it helps. I am really grateful for the support i have received so far but i wish there was more, i am just so uncertain of how to reach out further...

31wks pregnant...... what would have been...

2009-03-09T08:55:00.001+10:00

I feel like i am struggling today. Mainly with regrets. I wish that i had held Charlie, taken photo's spent precious time with my baby. I just feel like a really bad person for not doing it.

I am still finding it so hard to believe that this ever really happened, it's so hard when people around me won't acknowledge it. I wish sometimes that we went to Brisbane for further testing and the second opinion, it would have pushed me over the 20wk mark and we would have been able to bury our little girl and have her recogonised. All these things just eat away at me so much and i guess that they always will. I have been looking at other lost angel mum blogs and i must admit that i feel jealous by the amount of support i can see that they have received from friends and family. It really hurts that i feel like noone really cares. It is just easier for them to pretend that it never happened?

I have been looking at some of the memorial jewellery online today, gosh they have some beautiful stuff out there. I would really love to get one of the necklaces like Lisa Leonard - http://lisaleonardonline.com/ makes with Charlie's name on the front. That way i would be carrying a piece of my girl with me always. I wish i had know more about this type of jewellery when we had the miscarriage as well in Dec 2007. It's amazing that there are people out there doing this for us.

I am also struggling alot with myself.

Over the last three years i really feel like i have lost myself. I have given up so much being a mum. Since loosing Charlie i have realised that i need to get my life back again, i need to feel what it's like to live life again. Feel the passion for reading, music and writing out all my feelings and bearing my soul.

I just feel like i am always giving and i guess it is part of being a mother and a wife but i just feel like i can't sit by anymore and watch my life slip away as it's just to precious.

I once felt like i knew myself, knew what i wanted and where i was headed. Now i have no idea, i don't know how to take the first step to do anything and i can feel myself crawling further and further inside my shell. I hate what i have let myself become and what i have let myself do to my life.

I want to make the change because i really feel like i am meant to be doing something great, something more......

What is normal?

2009-03-05T13:32:00.000+10:00

I have been pondering a bit today while listening to soppy music yet again and just wondered if anyone could answer this question for me....

Do you ever really feel normal again after loosing a baby? Does life ever really go back to the way it was??

Do you have to make some kind of new normal?

Unique Christening Gowns

2009-03-04T14:17:00.000+10:00

Since loosing Charlie i have stumbled across a very lovely lady named Dana who has been a wonderful support to me and helped me to make my dream of Empty Arms a reality.
If you have a spare minute pop on over to Dana's blog or website - Unique Christening Gowns. She makes beautiful gowns for angel babies.

http://www.uniquechristeninggowns.blogspot.com/

http://www.uniquechristeninggowns.com/

unexpected feelings

2009-03-04T08:04:00.000+10:00

i cried myself to sleep last night listening to soppy music and holding Charlie's photo tight.

it was strange looking at her photo last night because for the first time i really felt like i was looking at my daughter.

the test results have hit me harder then i expected them to and i really felt like i didn't want to get out of bed today i would have been happy to dwell in my own self pity all day but i pulled myself out of it and realised what for? it's not going to change anything, it's not going to bring Charlie back.

we told Josh last night that he had a little sister and that charlie was a girl, he already knew that his Charlie baby was up in the sky and that she had gotten really sick and the dr's couldnt fix her. he always asks so many questions about her that really amaze me and whenever we watch the tellytubbies on tv and the little baby is laughing in the sun he always comes running to tell me that Charlie baby is on tv :)

russell and i are going to the beach this weekend with our letters to charlie and we are going to release some pink ballons, we have been wanting to do it for along time but wanted to wait for the test results to come back before we did it. we are going to go on sunset and have a picnic dinner which should be lovely. charlie was born in a town away from where we live at the beach and that beach really feels like our special place to connect with her. when i feel the breeze rushing all around me and the sound of the waves it's like i can feel her there with me.

Closure

2009-03-03T16:02:00.000+10:00

Well we have Charlie's results and it looks as though my instincts were right. Charlie had Turner's Syndrome and was infact a little girl. The Dr said that he couldn't believe that my pregnancy had progressed so far as usually babies with Turner's Syndrome are usually miscarried in the first few weeks. I guess my little girl was a fighter.

I feel a new wave of grieve this afternoon as i feel like i am actually mourning the loss of my daughter, a daughter that we so badly wanted and a daughter that i am going to have to wait a life time to see again.

Fly free my beautiful little angel, mummy loves you so very much

xxxxx

Today is the day

2009-03-03T09:24:00.000+10:00

We are off to the hospital this afternoon to get Charlie's chromosomal results. I feel relieved that i might finally be able to understand what chromosomal fault was the cause of all of Charlie's other problems if infact there even was one. When we first got home from hospital i starting researching the problems that Charlie had and put two and two together and came to the conclusion that Charlie had Turners Syndrome http://www.turnersyndrome.org.au/ . It will be interesting to see if i was right. Either way it will be good to understand and i feel as though we will be able to close that chapter of the book and move forward.

Who am I? and where do I go from here??

2009-03-02T20:15:00.000+10:00

Today i have been doing alot of soul searching and thinking to the future well actually i have been doing alot of it since doing Charlie. I am trying to figure out where my life goes from here, 10wks ago my future was set out I was having another baby and my life was soon going to be busy with nappy changes, feeding and winding and lack of sleep. Now i am uncertain.......

I feel that in the last few years in which i have become a mother, a wife, an aunty, a sister in law, a shoulder to cry on and a friend that somewhere along the track i have forgotten to be just Sky. The person who loves to read, paint, take photo's, write, sit in the sunshine, listen to music, go for long drives and walks on the beach has long since gone and i am all the other things putting everyone else first.

I am in two minds with what to do with my life from here.. do i go back to work, spend some time finding me again or keep following the same old path i have been walking for so long?

How do i find the courage and strength to start a new journey? How do i know which path to take?

It's all very confusing and something that needs alot of thought and certainty.

Who have I become?

Where am I going in my life?

How am I treating those around me?

Am I happy?

What will I leave behind?

Why do I feel this way?

The deep achy feeling and the insights that come with the soul searching will fade quickly and so will the motivation. Unless you make decisions and plan how to follow the decision the value will be lost.

Charlie's name in the sand

2009-02-27T21:28:00.001+10:00

We lost Charlie on the 17th Dec 08 and i was so lucky to receive Charlie's name in the sand just before christmas, it was the most precious gift i could have received at the time. Carly's generosity has touched me beyond belief.

Gathering under the tree

2009-02-27T13:25:00.000+10:00

http://www.scarletriver26.blogspot.com/ - Under the tree is a new place for lost baby mamma's to get support and understanding from other mamma's who have been in similar situations.

Here is my answers to our questions at the first gathering under the tree :-

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I only really started blogging a couple of months ago after reading Carly's site To Write Their Names In The Sand. I realised that there was so many of us grieving mum's out there and i finally felt like i belonged somewhere. Somewhere that i could share my pain, my anger and all my emotions and know that i wasn't alone.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

Because i am only new to being a lost baby mamma i really haven't found that place where i feel i belong yet and can share all my thoughts and feelings. I have just joined The Butterfly Haven and hope that it will bring me great comfort and be a place that i can share my feelings about loosing Charlie.

I really feel safe talking to my husband he is my rock and he is sharing this journey with me.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

I have just started reading a few books that have really helped me on this journey. The first would be a book called The Shack that really renewed my faith and god and made me realise that no matter what i will always have somebody who loves me and all my faults. I am also slowly making my way through a book called Eat Pray Love which i am really enjoying.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

Naive. I never in my wildest dreams thought that i would loose a baby, even after having a miscarriage the thought never really crossed my mind. I just expected that when i found out i was pregnant that i would be holding a baby in my arms in 9mths time. Naive that at the 20wk scan all i thought about was finding out the sex of our baby. I really took alot of things for granted....

Now i have been able to open my eyes and appreciate all that i have. I am more aware now of other people's pain and suffering and feel things alot more. I have learnt to love more, care more and be more compassionate. I feel that for once i can truly be selfless.
Loosing Charlie has made me realise how precious life really is and i am trying my hardest to live my life and enjoy it.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I am struggling to breathe. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel but for the moment i can't seem to find it. It is still only early days for me and i am just putting one step in front of the other and trying to get through. I am trying my hardest to live this life so that i can then hold my baby in my arms again in the next one. That day is what i live for.

I would really like to see a group i have started called Empty Arms to get off the ground and help lost baby mamma's in my local town. I would like to imagine that in a year that there would be more time for healing and i would also like to hold another little baby in my arms and give it the precious gift of life.

Dream a little dream of you....

2009-02-27T08:02:00.000+10:00

Last night i had a dream about Charlie.

I walked into a room at the hospital and my sweet little baby was laying on the bed looking so perfect kicking her feet about. I called out to her and she turned and faced me and gave me the biggest smile i have ever seen and then my dream ended.........

I woke up from the dream and cried and cried and cried, my baby was so beautiful and i really feel touched that i have had that dream. It felt to me like it was her way of letting me know she was alright.

I feel a sense of calm now since i had that dream i can feel it washing over me.

I feel that i am having more good days now than bad and yes at night i sometimes still cry myself to sleep, but it brings me great comfort to know that Charlie is somewhere more perfect then we could ever imagine and she is happy and loved.

* picture above is of my bump with charlie*

One week today

2009-02-24T08:10:00.001+10:00

until we get Charlie's chromosomal results, i am so scared and nervous. It will be a weight lifted off our shoulders to finally know what the problems were but I am also worried about how serious they may have been and what the consequences could be for trying to conceive in the future. I know that i am probably thinking the worst case scenario but i guess you kind of have to in situations like this.
We are also going to talk to them about the drug i was given to have Charlie, misoprostol as there has been articles in our local paper about it causing birth defects and allegations of it been miss-used, I am pretty sure that it won't apply to me but better to be safe then sorry.
Joshua has been asking me this week about having a baby and keeps telling me that he wants a boy baby. It breaks my heart when he asks this, in a way i feel like i have failed him. We have tried so hard to give him a brother or sister but we just can't seem to do it.
I am hoping we can start the preparations on Charlie's garden this week, i can't wait to sit out in the yard and look at all the flowers in bloom and know that i have a special little place to be with my baby.

Teddy Bears

2009-02-24T08:04:00.000+10:00

I am so excited at the response i have had from people in relation to empty arms and donating teddy bears! I have had a few people wanting to donate and am now eagerly awaiting their arrivals in the mail :)

I really hope that empty arms works and i hope that it can help grieving mums just a little. I just feel like i want to make a difference.. I know that a teddy bear isn't going to take all the hurt and pain away but i just want mums to know there are other mums in the same situations out there and that we care.

Thankyou Dana for donating the wraps and the booklets for Unique Christening Gowns.

We are approaching the hospital next Tuesday.

Remembering Charlie and helping others

2009-02-20T19:57:00.000+10:00

I have started a group on facebook called "empty arms' http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=50546535266&ref=nf and one day i hope it could be more.
I remember in the first few weeks my arms always felt so empty after loosing Charlie and i wished that i had something to hold and cuddle up to in the tough times. So i decided that i wanted to give a gift to grieving mamma's who have been through the same, so i am collecting teddy bears that i can give to my local hospital that can then be passed on to grieving mamma's who have lost their babies.
I have had a wonderful response so far and have teddy bears coming from all across Australia, it is so lovely to have the support and know that my story has touched so many other people's hearts and they are wanting to help as well.

8wks today...

2009-02-11T16:45:00.000+10:00

8wks have gone by since we lost charlie and when every new wednesday rolls around the sadness creeps back in.
how am i supposed to go on? i can't do this. I just want to wake up from this dream.
sometimes i really hate it because it feels as though i wasn't even pregnant at all, like it never really happened.
i have spent a good part of today pondering life and crying my eyes out.
I wish more than anything that i could hold my baby in my arms, kiss her cheeks and say a proper goodbye.

Rock bottom...

2009-02-08T10:44:00.000+10:00

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning i could have stayed there all day and cried a thousand tears. My heart is aching so much for my baby and what could have been.
All the thoughts and memories just hit me again this morning when i opened my eyes, a great way to start a new day :(
Russell has been at me a bit about trying to me happy and positive, it's just so hard. I feel hurt that he is asking me this after what has happened how can he expect me to be healed already it's only been 7wks, should i be over it? I do feel that i am thinking negative all the time but it's just so damn hard to stay positive. I think grief really opens your eyes to the possibilties of death and that it can happen to anyway and especially when you least expect it and when this happens i think the fear is always there then.....

Yesterday me and Josh went to the pet shop and brought a new little kitten which we named willow, she is just beautiful but is already up to mischief!
I really needed something to stop my arms from filling empty and something to love, she is doing a good job at the moment. When we brought her yesterday you couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Willow has been giving me little kisses and nose rubs and is most affectionate. I am being cuddled as i type at the laptop.

I have also started a small journey to find myself again, it's amazing how quickly we can loose ourselves when we become mothers and too when we are on a trying to conceive journey. I feel really lost and honestly don't know what i want for the future anymore.... Time for some reflection i think.

pondering

2009-02-05T15:44:00.000+10:00

i have just been going through all my photo's and realised that i don't have many in the way of memories for Charlie.

I never got any ultrasound pictures and the only photo's we have of Charlie after the birth are the one's the hospital took and they are not really photo's that you can share with family and friends unfortunately.

I have one picture that i really cherish though and that's my last belly picture that Russell took just before we were heading off to the scan to get our bad news. That photo even though you can't see my face is the last one where we were full of excitement......

I have decided to do up a small photo album with all my belly pictures, pregnancy test pictures etc so that i have something. I will put it in the memory box we have for Charlie that has the angel wrap, hand and foot prints, photo's, my pregnancy tests and the one sympathy card we received as well as the few things that we had brought for Charlie which were a cotton wrap, a dummy, and two little summer jumpsuits.

7wks have gone by...

2009-02-04T09:55:00.001+10:00

It has been 7wks today since we lost Charlie, i can't believe how quickly it has gone. We are still waiting to get Charlie's chromosomal results from the hospital, Russell rang them on Monday and they said that they would call back but we haven't heard anything as yet.
Last night i cried myself to sleep holding a photo of Charlie, words just can't explain how much i miss Charlie and wish that i could still feeling all those beautiful movements from inside my belly. I would be 26 weeks pregnant now and I guess well and truly showing.

Let me tell you Charlie's Story

2009-02-03T13:41:00.000+10:00

In August 2008 we found out that we were expecting again after suffering a miscarriage (Dec 07) our ttc journey had started in January 2007. We were both excited and scared at the same time and it took awhile for this pregnancy to sink in.
At 9wks we had our first scare i was bleeding, a trip to the E.R at the hospital was in order. They suspected an ectopic pregnancy and sent me for a scan, the whole time i was lying there on the table i was expecting to see emptiness but instead we saw our beautiful little blob and it's heartbeating away. I was excited but still the pregnancy didn't seem to be sinking in. I walked away from the hospital with a feeling that just wasn't right.
A few weeks later i had another small bleed but didn't go to the hospital because I was scared and just felt that if anything bad was going to happen i wouldn't be able to stop it.
I finally went to see my local GP at 14wks to confirm the pregnancy and refer me to the antenatal clinic, the checked bubs heartbeat while we were there but had a hard time finding it, i held my breath the whole time. Finally the found it and they seemed happy with it but i didn't it just didn't sound right.
At 15wks i had my first antenatal appointment, i seen a lovely midwife who went through everything with me and i was lucky enough to get the same ob i had with Josh. He did a quick scan for me in his rooms and we got to see our baby again. He showed us the baby and all i could really make out was the head and we could see the heartbeating away. The ob looked pretty happy with things and sent us on our way. For the first time since i found out that i was pregnant i finally felt excited it felt real we were going to have a baby.
The next week the fear started to set back in again i had said to Russell that i felt like i wasn't going to get my baby at the end of this and i felt like bubs had stopped moving as much but was reassured when friends and family told me that it was normal etc etc.
I booked my morphology scan for the 16th Dec 08 at 9am we were really looking foward to it as we were going to find out the sex of the baby and then go and pick out paint colours and start decorating the nursery.
My husband started his holidays on Monday the 16th Dec the day we went for our scan, we decided to take Josh with us so that he could see the baby as well we wanted him to be part of it. So at 8.30am we set off for the hospital full of excitement. We didn't have to wait long to see the sonographer who ushered us in pretty much straight away. I layed down on the table and she put the gel on my belly (i was a bundle of nerves) as soon as she started the scan she went quiet she said that she could see black masses around the baby and that she couldn't really see things in great detail which were making it hard for her to take measurements. At this stage i started crying, the sonographer said that i would more than likely be sent to Brisbane to see somebody who could do a more detailed scan. She tried to take some measurements and remember seeing her label the chest and one of the babys arms. I remember looking at the arm and thinking that it looked like a ballon but didn't really think much of it. She also found bubs heartbeat and looked shocked and said "oh the heart is still beating, i guess that's a good thing". She also said that the baby was measuring 2wks behind and i said i guess that's why my belly doesn't seem to be growing. The sonographer then left the room as she said that she would need to make an appointment for me to see the head obstetrican, she left us a box of tissues. I just got off the bed and fell into Russell's arms and we bothed cried together we were scared and not really sure what was going on, poor Josh was worried because we were both crying so we tried our hardest to stay strong for him.
The sonographer came back and said that we had an appointment for 10am the next morning and that she was sorry to have to give us such bad news before christmas.

We left the hospital in a daze not really sure of what was going on and what to do with ourselves. We ended up going to see my Nana and Dad and told them the news, they wanted to know what was going on but we couldn't really tell them at that stage Russell and I thought maybe i was the one with the black masses (cystic material) and thought maybe it could be fixed, but i kept saying to my Nana i guess i will have to have the baby.
We then went to Russell's mums work and told her as well she cried straight away, we all did.
Josh was complaining of being hungry so we took him to McDonalds for morning tea and tried to be normal for his sake.
We then went home and Russell started ripping the bathroom apart, we had planned to renovate the bathroom while he was on holidays. I just plodded around the house not knowing what to think or feel and also spent some time laying on the bed trying to feel the baby move.

I didn't sleep much that night and woke up early the next morning and just layed in bed feeling bubs moving around. Russell got up and gave Josh breakfast while i layed there with my hands on my belly spending time with our baby. While i was laying there i felt my first movement from on the outside, I yelled out to Russell and he came in to our room and put his hand on my belly as well and felt it too for the first time, we both layed there and got caught up in the moment. I said to Russell that bubs was either saying goodbye or letting us know that everything was fine.
We arrived at the hospital just before 10am and sat in the waiting room at the antenatal clinic, we were surrounded by lots of pregnant mums and their big bellies. Josh asked me while we were sitting there "your not going to cry today are you mum?" I was trying hard not to hold the tears back.
Finally the Dr called us in and told us straight out that it was bad news, time just stopped for me then. He went through all the problems our baby had then.. major heart defect, fetal hydrops, dilated cerebral ventricle and chromosomal abnormalities. He tried to explain it to us but none of it really sank in. I remember just interrupting and asking him if i would have to terminate and he said yes. He then said that he would like me to go to Brisbane for a more detailed scan which would be the second opinion, i just looked at Russell and said I can't. So i then asked the Dr if i had to because i knew that we would have to terminate anyway and i just felt like i couldn't go through all that, my baby was suffering and i needed to stop it. He went away to ask another Dr and Russell and I cried together again. Josh just grabbed me and looked me in the eyes and said " mummy it's alright you've got me" I just picked him up and hugged him so tight and tried my hardest to stop my tears for him.
The Dr came back and said that i didn't need to go to Brisbane and that he would organise for me to go to another hospital to deliver the baby (our hospital doesn't have a maternity wing) and that he would get the hospital to ring me.
We left then and i had to walk back through the antenatal clinic tears streaming down my face, no real belly to show my pregnancy and lots of pregnant mums staring at me.
We walked out those hospital doors and i think my autopilot kicked in, i was being carried. I started organising what we would need to do pack bags etc tell people. We got maybe five minutes up the road and the hospital rang me to say that i could come straight down. CRAP! I told Russell and we decided we would go and see my Nana we needed someone to look after Josh.
We got there and my brother and his family was there, I ran in while Russell and Josh stayed in the car, i walked straight into the house and into the arms of my brother and just cried. He said to me "not good news hey" and i got myself together another to just blurt out that i had to go and have the baby now. He offered to take Josh which was good so i then left and we went home to pack.
I raced around not thinking at all, i packed Josh's bags and realised i had nothing packed, i wasn't supposed to need my hospital bag for another 20wks!!! I had no pj's or any of the normal stuff you would need when you have a baby. We packed the car and decided that i would do a mad dash into Big W.
We dropped Josh off at my brother's and i ran into Big W while Russell stayed in the car, i loaded a trolley full of stuff including a bag to pack it all in hoping that i wouldn't run into anyone i know. At the checkout i ran into my Aunty it was so awkward i just couldn't say anything.
At 1.30pm we made the 30km trip to the hospital the journey was full of tears and silence.
We got to the hospital and the showed us to my room and said that the Ob would be around soon. I had just settled in my room when a midwife came in and told me i was moving rooms. They ended up putting me in a room just off the maternity wing away from everybody else.
We were in the new room awhile chatting, when the same midwife i had seen at my one and only antenatal appointment came in, she went through everything with us and was just wonderful. I honestly had no idea of just what was going to happen and she made me feel at ease and reassured me. I just knew that i had to stay strong and do this for my baby.
We then spent alot of time in our room before the lady Ob finally came in, she rang through what was going to happen etc and also the ultrasound report, she explained all the problems to us and this time it actually sunk in. Russell and I looked at each other and knew we were doing the right thing.
Finally at 5.45pm i was given the first lot of drugs to start things along, they didn't expect me to have the baby for atleast 24-48hrs ( i felt like i was going to have the baby that night but didn't say anything) and i was due for more drugs at 12am. The said that they wouldn't check on my progress or anything given the circumstances. I was told to lay still on my back for the next 4o minutes so that the drugs had a chance to work. Russell fed me my dinner while i was laying down and we had some special time before he decided to leave and go home and get some sleep for the night (although i felt like he was going to miss it all by going home).
At about 8.30pm that night i decided to finally get some sleep but had trouble getting comfortable in the hospital bed and i was also in a bit of pain. I had actually had back ache and a bit of dull cramping since the Monday (now that i look back i think my body may have been preparing itself anyway) i dozed on and off till about 11.30ish when i felt like i was having mild contractions, i timed them with the clock on the wall and they were coming five minutes apart. I buzzed the midwife and was greeted by a new lady. I told her that i was in pain and she asked me what i wanted her to do (um what do you think??) she said that she would get the Dr as i was due for the next lot of drugs. I asked her to ring Russell and she went off to do that at about 12am. The Dr came in and said that she didn't think i would need the next lot of drugs and that she would see me in the morning and give me the drugs again then if i needed them.
Russell showed up just after 12.30am while i was having a contraction, he sat next to me on the bed and we talked alot through the contractions, we were both timing them on the clock. They had started getting pretty painful and by 1.30am i buzzed the midwife because i felt like i needed some panadol, she came in and i told her that i had started to feel a bit of pressure as well. She went away to get me the panadol.
At 2pm i had another contraction which was very painful and i felt and odd feeling, i buzzed the midwife again and she came back in. Russell and I waited for the next contraction at 2.05am, but i was meet with five of them in a row straight on top of each other and a great urge to push!!! By 2.30am our little angel was born into the world sleeping at 19.4wks old, we decided to not hold our baby (which i now regret so much, but at the time it was right for us) as we were both scared of what it might look like after what we were told my the Dr and midwife. The cord snapped and the midwife just caught it in time, it was so tiny only the size of a piece of wool. She held on to it with dear life with a clamp waiting for me to deliver the placenta. I was crying and so scared of having to go into surgery after what i had already been through. We finally managed to get it out and the midwife cleaned up and took everything away.
I was feeling really sick and shakey after all that so i layed down on the bed, i felt like i was on a big adrenalin rush after giving birth and was excited waiting for the midwife to come back and tell us the sex of the baby as we both really wanted to know and name it.
At about 4am the midwife came back in with some toast for me and i didn't get to ask her about our baby because she was busy with other births going on in the delivery rooms.
Russell came and layed with me on the bed and he felt asleep while i dozed on and off till about 6am. I woke Russell up and we both got up and watched tv together until my breakfast came around, when it came he decided to go to McDonalds and get himself some food and i stayed in the room and ate my breakfast by myself. While i was eating breakfast a new midwife came in with our bubs memorial box it was gut wrenching getting that instead of our baby. Straight away i asked her if she knew the sex and she said that she couldn't tell due to all the swelling. My whole world came crashing down but i held it together, i didn't want to cry infront of her. She asked me again if i wanted to see our baby and i really did, i really did but knew that i couldn't without Russell and i had to respect his wishes as well. I told her no but asked her if i could go home, i just wanted to go home and she said she would go ask the Dr and left the room while i sat there and cried silent tears knowing that we couldn't name our baby it was like they never even exsisted. I wanted to ring Russell and decided against it, then thought about texting him but decided to leave him alone to eat his breakfast and have some time to himself.
When Russell came back i told him straight away that they couldn't tell us the sex and we both cried together, not long after the midwife came back with the Dr and they told us that we could go home, they got me to sign forms and said that i would need to speak to the social worker as well.
I had a shower and then stood in the bathroom looking in the mirror at my stomach and thinking my baby should still be in there. I got dressed and we sat and waited for the social worker to come, we decided that we wanted to name our baby and both agreed on Charlie, even though the hospital never said anything about us naming our baby. The social worker came in and talked to us, she said that she thought we were very brave and strong. She asked us again if we wanted to se our baby and that she would come with us but Russell said no so we didn't.
We then packed up our bags and left for home. Walking out the door of the maternity wing was just horrible, i was walking out that door knowing that my baby was still in there and that i couldn't take it home with me. I felt so empty, as i closed the door i whispered "goodbye beautiful baby" with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I was carried all the rest of that day after we got home and seen family members. I was telling them all not to cry and be sad, that they needed to be happy that our baby wasn't suffering anymore. That afternoon me and Russell opened the memory box and looked at the pictures of our Charlie and they were just perfect. We both reckon that Charlie looked like a little girl and decided that's what she was, we needed it you know it was horrible having to say "it" and "our baby" etc we needed a name it needed to be real. We looked at the perfect little hand and foot prints and just cried. It just didn't seem fair, not fair at all.
The next few weeks went by in a real blur but were horrible we had to make constant trips to town every night to shower at families houses because we still had no bathroom, i had to celebrate my birthday two days after loosing Charlie and christmas was difficult but we struggled through for the sake of Josh. We kept busy doing our bathroom and cried together late at night in bed holding each other.

I can still feel the sadness hanging over me today nearly 7wks after loosing Charlie but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to celebrate the short life that our Charlie had and remember and cherish it forever.
Charlie gave me a wonderful gift and that gift is life and we plan on enjoying it everyday!