Welcome to the world.....

India Jade. Born on the 23rd of September 2010 at 8:54am weighing 7lbs 1oz by c/section.



As she was pulled out of me and her first cries were heard, i cried a thousand tears of relief, of pure happiness and of grief. Words could never explain those first few moments.

We are totally in love with her and only now do i really truly understand the word precious.

We seem to be settling into a nice routine. No issues apart from me having postpartum hypertension (high blood pressure) i am on medication and hope that the problem will resolve itself soon.


xx

The day is fast approaching......

There is only two weeks and five days left until i will be holding our baby girl safely in my arms. She will be arriving my c/section.

I am scared, excited and still in denial.

I am heavily pregnant but still can't seem to get my head around the fact that i am going to deliver a baby safely into this world.

I daydream constantly about what those first precious moments after she is born are going to be like. I am sure that i will cry millions of tears. Tears of relief, of joy and for Charlie.

I will keep you all updated as the date approaches xoxox

Charlie

My baby girl it feels like forever since i have said your name on this blog and it makes me feel guilty.
There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of you, just lately it seems to be quietly.
Alot of people expect me to be "moving on" and keep saying im lucky to be having another girl to replace you. This makes me sad.
No one will ever replace you, you are my daughter, my baby, you hold a massive place in my heart. You have forever changed me and made an impact on my life that will be forever deep. I will never move on from you.
I wonder sometimes how i am going to look into your little sisters eyes and not think of you, imagine what you would have looked like. I am scared that i am going to slip up and call her by your name instead of the beautiful name we have picked out for her.
Charlie now more than ever i am scared. Scared that your sister is going to end up in heaven with you, that i will never get to see my two beautiful girls. I am haunted daily and i can't sleep at night.
I want you to know that i love you more than words describe and i miss you beyond belief.
I am still thinking of you constantly....

Anticipation.....

I am now 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am going to have a baby in 12 weeks. It is starting to feel somewhat real.
We have purchased the car seat and pram and i am slowly filling her room with pink.

I am having nightmares most nights. Cord accidents, stillbirth, her heart stops beating. I just want her to be safe, i just want her to come home. Some days the wait feels to long. I love her so much already and can't imagine her not being here.

Time for another update

I have been so slack not updating my blog in such a long time. I come in here and want to write things but am not sure if people really want to here them. This was always a place to share my journey of grief after losing Charlie, but lately my journey has changed and i am on a new path.

I feel incredibly blessed that i am having another baby. It is very bittersweet however that we will be having another girl. It fills me with great mixed emotions but at the same time i am very excited.

I will be 25wks tomorrow. Starting to get into the rather uncomfortable stage, enjoying the big kicks my little girl is giving me and just taking in every precious moment that i can. I am scared still that something will go wrong but i am trying my hardest to be hopeful. It's all i can do.

pregnancy update: week 16

I had started a new blog to document this journey but i am in no great head space to have 2 blogs on the go at the moment so i will update anyone that is interested from here.

Today i am 16.3wks pregnant. Still feeling extremely exhausted all the time and getting the odd bit of morning sicknes here and there.
I have started to feel lots of movements from the baby which is lovely and reassuring.
I have started seeing the high risk ob, he is very old and i am not sure if i like him or not.
It looks as though i will be having a repeat c/section for this baby, which i am ok about.
I am booked in to have my morphology scan on the 12th May, and hoping we will be able to find out the sex of the baby as well if he/she decides to co-operate.
Our little boy has named our baby and it is now affectionately know as "wonky donky" and i might add the name has stuck!

I am still struggling at times with my feelings and emotions with this pregnancy, finding it really hard to enjoy it. Worrying that things will go wrong and starting to approach the time in my pregnancy with Charlie where i had feelings that things were going wrong and i started telling my husband that i wasn't going to get my baby at the end of it.

We are yet to buy anything yet for this little babe, we will probably wait until after the next scan. After we lost Charlie i got rid of EVERYTHING.

Sinking back to that place we all know to well...

Hello numbness i seem to be experiencing you again.
It's funny how quickly you get here without even noticing.
At the moment i feel like part of me is broken or empty. Part of me just doesn't want to do it anymore. I don't feel like talking, i don't feel like doing much of anything. It feels like such an effort to smile,or to do anything.
I hate feeling like this, i can feel the real me in there, somewhere down deep screaming out. The person who wants to smile, be happy and live life.....

Chasing Rainbows

I thought it was about time i updated on this pregnancy for anyone that may be interested.

I am currently 13wks and have been for my 12 NT Scan and was given the all clear of this baby having any chromosmal problems. It was such a relief to hear this news, as it has been weighing heavily on my mind since the moment i found out i was pregnant.

I have been suffering with pretty bad morning sickness and this combined with the tiredness and all the emotions has not made the last couple of months much fun. I have spent most of the time hybernating in my bedroom and i am so thankful that my husband has picked up the slack. The poor thing has had to cook dinner nearly everynight and bath and put our son to bed.

I have also been feeling lots of little flutters in the last week which is lovely and so very reassuring. I still find it hard to comprehend that i am actually going to have another baby.

Next goal is to get the all clear at the morphology scan, where we got the devestating news about Charlie.

I have been missing Charlie alot in this last week and have found myself crying alot again. I had dragged out my Missy Higgins cd the other day and it brought all the emotions flooding back as it was the cd i listened to alot when the first wave of grief hit me just after we lost our girl.

please keep my family in your prayers

my cousin has just been given bad news at their morphology scan :-( and now have to make the painful decision of whether they will continue with their pregnancy or terminate.

i am utterly devestated for them. i never imagined that anyone else in my family would have to go through this and know the pain that i know.

it scares me so much. this happens to much.

please keep them in your prayers tonight.

FEAR

I have logged in nearly everyday for the last week and started writing this post and everytime i have deleted my words, unsure if they will come out right, unsure if i am ready to say them and worried about how they might upset other babylost mamma's.

I have been living in fear for the last couple of weeks. I am scared, i can't sleep and i am stressed to the max. I feel utterly depressed and just can't for the life of my bring myself to be even a little bit excited about the fact that i am carrying another little life in side me.

I am worried that i am not going to be able to protect this child, that this baby will be taken away from me and i am so so so scared that i will fall into a huge mess if i lose this baby.

I have been struggling with morning sickness. I have really bad indigestion and i can't eat because the moment that i do i vomit it back up. This also depresses me, i hate being sick. It's also makes this whole experience less than joyful.

I really don't want to seem ungrateful, because believe me i am not. I am just finding it so hard to believe that maybe this time it might all work out alright. It's hard when you have suffered a few different kind of losses, because you always wonder if you will be dealt a new kind of loss. Something different this time just to add to the mix. So that you can say you have been there and done it all.

I am more scared of miscarriage than anything. I know the possibility of losing a baby understand the same circumstances as Charlie is slim and i can get my head around that but miscarriage i can't. I know how common it is. I find myself on miscarriage watch daily, going to the toilet more than necessary checking for the signs. My last miscarriage really broke me.

Everybody keeps telling me that they have a good feeling about this baby, that 2010 is my year. So through the fear, the tears and the unknown i will try my hardest to hold on to that feeling and hope and pray that everything will be ok.